“evrything that’s nothing, and nothing of what’s everything”

   "I8 years of existence equates to 18 years of maturity…doing things never done before, taking challenges never been met, accepting the unchangeable…but no one taught me how to transform the unreal and change what is human.. No one even dares! All of them stick to what is pleasing to the eyes, what is acceptable. However I still stand to the ground of my moral values, hoping I can change what is essential to human eyes…letting them see that the world isn’t just a place of practicing human roles but ruling  what is ruled and changing what causes pain, anguish and misery; Now I don’t talk like a child nor act like a child. It so happen that I see the real epitome of living ahead of those who chose to be blind, blinded and wants to be blind."

   These past few days words seem to be raindrops on mid summer morning where the sun is at its culmination being the center of the revolving cosmic planes. I push my self to come up with a product of unrestrained thoughts and ideas… I write not to impress but to express…..Suddenly, tiny blood droplets come out my nares……I choose to be silent….

   Over the years as I have started to break my own silence and speak from the burnings of my heart full of content and truth, people have started to question the righteousness of my path, though I often understand the source of their concern I am nevertheless greatly dispirited, for such question connote that they have not known me and never had justified themselves.

   I am a rational human being and designed to react spontaneously to external stimuli. Wellness, happiness and love are my least priorities until I had discovered that in this unfair and selfish world, you can only trust yourself and thus deserved to have those what they so called self-centered stuffs. (Do they really understand what SELFISH means?)

   I had loved several times before. It doesn’t matter how much I give in… but it does matter how many people I hurt -I was hurt in return! It’s difficult to fight things you’re incapable of fighting. Furthermore, it’s hurting to love someone you can’t afford to love. All you can do is to hope that you will be together in your dreams with boundless time and opportunities to express your affection, away from sinful human eyes. Painful as it is, I have no choice but to accept and go on with my life, with my daily routine, with my original love-myself. I may sound stupid to some people, but stupidity is letting yourself believe that you love someone more than yourself. A real stupid in sense!

   At the end of the day, I choose neither to love nor to be loved. I suppress my senses. Frantically create a barrier to block what stimulates my center of emotion, letting opportunity to be happy escape my hands. I don’t like this, but this all about being human, being a dot out of a thousand dots in this seem to be unending terrain. You cannot have all the things you wanted, dreamed and aspired for. Crossing the brink of drafted human rules entails resistance to human assault. I want to fight but I am tired and my energy is depleted. I don’t have plans to recharge. I prefer to be weak for me to physically not see what’s transpiring around me. I want to be dead in words, in thoughts and in action, 18 years is more than enough.

  I am human…human…human….I can’t do anything to change such adrenaline inculcated word!

   "I8 years of existence equates to 18 years of maturity…doing things never done before, taking challenges never been met, accepting the unchangeable…but no one taught me how to transform the unreal and change what is human.. No one even dares! All of them stick to what is pleasing to the eyes, what is acceptable. However I still stand to the ground of my moral values, hoping I can change what is essential to human eyes…letting them see that the world isn’t just a place of practicing human roles but ruling  what is ruled and changing what causes pain, anguish and misery; Now I don’t talk like a child nor act like a child. It so happen that I see the real epitome of living ahead of those who chose to be blind, blinded and wants to be blind."

   These past few days words seem to be raindrops on mid summer morning where the sun is at its culmination being the center of the revolving cosmic planes. I push my self to come up with a product of unrestrained thoughts and ideas… I write not to impress but to express…..Suddenly, tiny blood droplets come out my nares……I choose to be silent….

   Over the years as I have started to break my own silence and speak from the burnings of my heart full of content and truth, people have started to question the righteousness of my path, though I often understand the source of their concern I am nevertheless greatly dispirited, for such question connote that they have not known me and never had justified themselves.

   I am a rational human being and designed to react spontaneously to external stimuli. Wellness, happiness and love are my least priorities until I had discovered that in this unfair and selfish world, you can only trust yourself and thus deserved to have those what they so called self-centered stuffs. (Do they really understand what SELFISH means?)

   I had loved several times before. It doesn’t matter how much I give in… but it does matter how many people I hurt -I was hurt in return! It’s difficult to fight things you’re incapable of fighting. Furthermore, it’s hurting to love someone you can’t afford to love. All you can do is to hope that you will be together in your dreams with boundless time and opportunities to express your affection, away from sinful human eyes. Painful as it is, I have no choice but to accept and go on with my life, with my daily routine, with my original love-myself. I may sound stupid to some people, but stupidity is letting yourself believe that you love someone more than yourself. A real stupid in sense!

   At the end of the day, I choose neither to love nor to be loved. I suppress my senses. Frantically create a barrier to block what stimulates my center of emotion, letting opportunity to be happy escape my hands. I don’t like this, but this all about being human, being a dot out of a thousand dots in this seem to be unending terrain. You cannot have all the things you wanted, dreamed and aspired for. Crossing the brink of drafted human rules entails resistance to human assault. I want to fight but I am tired and my energy is depleted. I don’t have plans to recharge. I prefer to be weak for me to physically not see what’s transpiring around me. I want to be dead in words, in thoughts and in action, 18 years is more than enough.

  I am human…human…human….I can’t do anything to change such adrenaline inculcated word!

It was a sun-kissed day when  i found myself heading to my iron-coated spectacles…to found out that im near on the cliff and breeze started to fiddle in my checck…i feel like going down by stairs..but my inmost sense kept on insisting to use the stairs…i want to make it fast..fast that i could, more than speed of light…..but its stupidity to think of boarding a hot air ballon neglecting the acceleration due to gravity, air friction, and the distance above the ground…( i know einstein could think more than i could)

i always want to be on the top…but i cant climb….i always want to be a star..but i’m incapable of shining..i want to be the center…but i lack the focus(x,y)….i want to be the best….but people think less of me…i want to be the rescuer…but many believe i could’t perform CPR well…i want to care…but all i can give is my "plastic care"…i want to save people from darkness..but i have only a matchstick on hand…i want to free all the slaves…but  my mouth is tightly closed…then a small wheezy voice cutts it off..reality gnaws me..then silence…………in stillness i dream again………….but all i can remember is the smile of a mickey mouse sitting on the chair inculcated with the emblem of the republic of the philippines…….not to mention the sparkling diamonds sparkling on every fingers……………..then again silence…………..in an overpopulated, impecunious society where people is bound to obsolete roles, crab mentality and clinging to unhealthy competition, dominated by self proclaiming justice league, perhaps dreaming is impracticable………..

i still covet my dreams be dreams……….and i love dreaming…..hoping one day that im stepping the land of a worthdreaming place and dreaming is my second dream……….

as of now im enjoying dreaming……SO IS YOU….

I’ve been good in all circumstances….try the limits of my capabilities….take risks…
give my all cause at some point in my life I want to be near perfection……

August 17 ruined it all….i just cant believe that I’m on losing…i know this world is dominated by different and diverse individual and its very wrong to expect that all your efforts will be greatly appreciated…..

I don’t have an innate talent of caring ( you may disagree), but my acquaintances can prove it…but i tried and i let myself believe that i can..in one of the biggest hospital here in ILOILO (i will not mention names) i feel like i am the biggest ____ in the world……i expected this…but not in my performance level of "plastic" care….’plastic’? but its better than true…

there is so much irony that i can imagine as a student nurse…we are paying the hospital for our RLE -using us to improve their services and make things easier……..helping staff nurses to lessen their work but in return some are not willing to help, i believe this is a shared effort but again i was wrong..all they want is to maximize our capabilities…why? i don’t know….its an anomaly and a sort of trending…….our service is for free, but we are vulnerable to inhumane treatment of patients..can’t they appreciate our efforts of helping them…is simple thank you difficult to say?…and worse creating an impression in your subconscious mind that you are nothing but  a neophyte on their eyes. you are not worth trusting and all you can do is keeping their diapers clean changed from time to time….some instructors may say it is on how you build rapport with them..but being in the world teeming with social issues there are boundaries difficult to cross…now..how can effective service will be delivered? again i don’t know and i still want to be quiet…

call me desperate….but 15 years from now.. i will build my own hospital..IDEAL hospital…where the staff nurses care like no one can imagine not only to patients but to student nurses …were patients are appreciative….impossible…but i can make it happen…i will not conform to a society where i once belong…….

at the end of the day i am still smiling….why?…..because God has been so good that illness (worse) is given to people uncapable of appreciation and closing his mind to someone who cares a lot…certainly..he is worthy of my "plastic care"………

i onced view life as an equal and shared task….equity had been my focus…i just don’t know but i’m always looking for the fulcrum of every situation, perhaps i don’t want an arrow pointing towards me..after all life had meant to be unfair and full of bigotry….
and i’m afraid i couldn’t surpass it….

i’ve been more than lucky this past few days…..maybe god heard what i am praying…and this time HE answered it….
duty days were so boring…routine vital signs taking,HGT,MIO,neuro,IV pull out and follow up,skin test and IM, pulling out catheter, NGT and PEG feeding seemed to be unchallenging… every duty I’m looking forward of doing something different and extraordinary..new to my senses…..

in the long run i had a full grasp of what i wanted…..OK.. call me neophyte but I once on the situation of seeing doctors rushing puting pressure in the air..my patient was intubated right in front of my eyes..endosxcopy was performed…it revealed no ulcers oin the upper GI, and was scheduled for colostomy…….back into his room portable form of oxygenation was not enough…I had to give him air through ambubagging @10LPM …and take note I had done this for 1 and a half hour…endurance is all what i need…bceing vigilant at the cheswt expansion of the patient…..know why i endured it all…simple…because the folks had been so nice and encouraging…they appreciate my effort….there i learned that a simple thank you could go beyond boundaries….

life had been so fair at this point…it let me see a patient in a bone marrow aspiration…i  hate patient sacrificing…but i couldn’t done anything…lidocaine was not enough……..see how life plays its desperate pretending game….

thank you……

early this morning we are bombarded with different issues…4 cellphones were lost and a wallet…yeah I don’t make stories… what a fuck!!!!

IMAGINE….

you’ve been craving for your favorite penne pasta that you couldn’t even stop yourself going to the nearest italian resto….there you were looking forward of eating your favorite pasta..after 15 minutes prior to ordering atlast it was served in front of you in a very palatable and mouthwatering appearance………………a couple of minutes that you were enjoying its sateitic value.. you found out that theres something unusual with what you’re eating…a cockroach with white sauce..im not mentioning serosanguinous…………you know that youve eaten it…..you really know………

you made complaints….but the manager explained that it was just a part of their special ingredient….you cannot do nothing but to keep your mouth shut with their convincing tongues….but yuo were sure it was something different…..

sounds stupid? strange? but true…try to decipher…me? im making my mouth shut…..

for almost 18 years of existence…i still couldn’t understand the real essence of life…the real epitome of care…

I know I made mistakes…mistakes that might change my entire life forever…okay i’ll be straight… this past few days i’ve been in the process of doughting the course i took up…to find out that i don’t like it… to the extent that i think of quitting…

but i put things into consideration…the money.. the time…the efforts…my sleepless nights..my frustrations…my successes…my love…..

I never imagined my self changing diapers of my patients…when in fact since i was a child i never done this.. i never look at the brighter side of it… i never attempted to have a full glimpse of it.. NEVER..and why should I?

i never dream of having sleepless nights…pleasure is all I want… to drink,sleep and be merry….I mean everybody would like it….i’m sorry but i disagree with the axiom " more to some, less to self , enough to all" i’d always wanted to be the first in line to be in the center stage….. but i know i couldn’t….with this world dominated by social termites…perhaps expecting the world to be fair is impracticable….

in the midst of the battle who could afford to surrender?  me? maybe…if I become more than stupid… but I consider that…. I know a few hours from now i will be welcoming medical-surgical nursing with arms wide open….i dont want to step back even if i wanted to….no its not that i’m afraid of laughters….but of some thing that still push me to continue  even in the darkest part of my subsistence…..

but for now one thing is certain….nursing isn’t what i wanted…. if only i could bring back the time…. I’m no me anymore…..I’m sorry florence nightingale….

I’ve been in epistaxis this past few days secondary to midterm exams… I cannot understand why I’m doing this-taking exams without scanning and reviewing my notes….fuck!!! I forgot that I don’t have notes…stupuid!!!

I’m preoccupied with my responsibilities not to mention my misseries in front of Ms. Castillon at Iloilo Mission Hospital….damn morphine!

amidst all this, exam is over… i can now afford to sleep..sleep…sleep..and sleep… after all sleeping is a blessing to someone who is trained to wipe man’s ass perfectly and passionately!